Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
