I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
