Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
