I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
