There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
