oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Randomize
