Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Randomize
