Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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