well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
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