Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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