They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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