so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
