i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
