The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
