Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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