When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
