I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Randomize
