I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
