I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
