man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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