Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
