You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
