Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
