I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Hello my rib-scented angel!
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
