I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
