i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Randomize
