Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
