Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Sober January is a disaster.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
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They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
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I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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