Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
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