Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
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