what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
