Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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