before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
You ruined the universe
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
