Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
