i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
