i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
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