i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize
