Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Randomize