I think I died a long time ago.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
