My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
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