I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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