I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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