I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
