planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
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