I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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