Already got asked if we're dating
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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