So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Randomize
