Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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