Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
