Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
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