Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
