In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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