My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize