dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Randomize
