You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
25 People Confess The Most Shocking Things They’ve Ever Seen In Public
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!