break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
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I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
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Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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