so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
being pregnant is like rehab
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
