I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
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