i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
