Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
