It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
