I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Randomize
