also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Randomize
