Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Randomize
