Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
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