That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
