So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
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